Diane Hochman + Crickets + Larva

The Polite Way To Excuse Yourself

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: ‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said, ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

‘I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted..

A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand….Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Nose Piercing + Starlight Tattoo Las Vegas = LOVE IT!

Las Vegas + Mandalay Bay = The Allens

Made in the U.S.A. & VERY, VERY PROUD OF IT!!!

I am the Democratic Liberal-Progressive’s Worst Nightmare.

I am an White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, American Veteran, Gun Owning Biker.

I am a Master leather worker. I work hard and long hours with my hands to earn a living.

I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don’t push it on others.

I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles, and drive American-made cars,
and I believe in American products and buy them whenever I can.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some liberal governmental functionary,
Democratic or Republican, that wants to share it with others who don’t work!

I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer; it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to
anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.
I believe there should be no other language option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God if, when and where they want to.

My heroes are Malcolm Forbes, Bill Gates, John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers,
and Willie G. Davidson, who makes the awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I’ve never owned a slave, nor was a slave. I haven’t burned any witches or been
persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you!

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from
and change your own country!

This is AMERICA …We like it the way it is and more so the way it was …so stop trying
to change it to look like Russia or China, or other socialist countries!

If you were born here and don’t like it… you are free to move to any Socialist country
that will have you. (And take Barack Hussein Obama and his group with you.) Massachusetts
started the ball rolling. Keep it going.

I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the White House, the seat of
our biggest problems.

I want to know which church is it, exactly, where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches,
where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless
of what color you are, but not just because you happen to ride a bike.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my driver’s license.

I think it’s good…. And I’m proud that ‘God’ is written on my money..

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who
should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt
me into making ‘donations’ to their cause…. Get a job and do your part to support yourself
and your family!

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents….

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know….

We want our country back! My Country…..

I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great, great, great grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in the Revolution & the War of 1812.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Mexican American War,

My great, great grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Civil War,

My great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Spanish-American War,

My grandfather watched as his friends died in WW I,

My father watched as his friends died in WW II,

I watched as my friends died in Vietnam, Panama & Desert Storm.

My son watched & bled as his friends have died in Afghanistan and Iraq.

None of them died for the Mexican Flag. Everyone died for the American flag.

Texas high school students raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole, other students took it down.
Guess who was expelled…the students who took it down.

California high school students were sent home on Cinco de Mayo, because they wore
T-shirts with the American flag printed on them.

Enough is enough!

This message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American
needs to stand up for America .

We’ve bent over to appease the America-haters long enough. I’m taking a stand.

I’m standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country,
and for the American flag.

If you agree, stand up with me and PASS THIS ON.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

AMERICANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

Let me make this clear! THIS IS MY COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I’m against immigration!

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor!

2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past!

3. Live by OUR rules!

4. Get a job!

5. Pay YOUR Taxes!

6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it!

7. NOW find a place to lay your head!

If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone,
then YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !

We’ve gone so far the other way . . .
bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

I don’t care if you are offended.

Why doesn’t anyone care if I am offended?

WAKE UP America!!!

Made in the U S A & VERY, VERY PROUD OF IT!!!

The LAY OFF Letter From A COOL Boss

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack
Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase
in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by
about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the
dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees
instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here
and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on
our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.

I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change…… I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

7 Kinds Of SEX

***WARNING***

If YOU are a fuddy duddy and get offended easily…

Probably shouldn’t read this POST!

And for the REST OF YOU COOL PEEPS…

Have a GOOD GIGGLE…;)

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy, you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say ‘screw you.’

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex * This is when you cannot stand your husband/wife any more. They take you to court and screw you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN…. LOL!

Divorce Agreement

FEEL FREE TO COPY & PASTE AND SHARE THIS… I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE WHO WROTE IT BUT IT’ GOOD!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950′s for the sake of the kids,
but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I
want a divorce.

I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future
generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on
what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can
smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure
our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome
to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the
Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to
invade and hammer places that threaten us.

You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can
take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll
keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give
trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our
flag.

Would you agree to this?

If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara
Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our
country.

YOU Know It’s 2010 When…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years…

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who workds at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panbic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile…:)

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to…

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list!